the b3stest jonen fic ever 111111111
by la JazzFish
Summary: Moof. I hate Mary Sues, misspelled stories, and RanDOm CaPS LOckS, don't you? (ph33r the parody... I'm making fun of all the stupid Mary Sues out there. I have no life. Moof.)
1. and there was a girl and she was hott an...

Once upon a time, there was a young lady.  Sometimes she would lock herself into her room, turn on her laptop, and pretend she had some writing talent.  This was totally false, but that's life.  A lot of the time she didn't write, though.  Instead, she went to fanfiction sites and read… well, fanfiction.  Duh.  Fanfiction does tend to be on fanfiction sites.

She rather liked Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, a comic book by the almighty Jhonen Vasquez.  Unfortunately, she had only read one book, but she _did_ know the plotlines for the others.  So, one day, in an attempt to fill the non-JtHM-ness in her life, she went to fanfiction.net to read JtHM fanfiction.

God Almighty.

"Pathetic" is too weak a word.

Of course, she didn't think _she_ could do much better, either.  So she went about her business like a normal person, lalalala, isn't life great.

But this would be pretty darn boring and pointless if that was all that happened.

Not that it's _not_ going to be boring and pointless.

Gee.  I really don't like myself, do I?

Right.  So she registered the name "Jaz," mostly because she liked it.  (And no, it has nothing to do with "Gaz."  When I chose the name "Jaz," I had no idea that anything remotely resembling that name had been used by Mr. Vasquez.)  She will be known as Jaz for the remainder of this pointless bit of text, and you will never know her real name, so nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.

And now, through a nifty contrived plot device to get this darn thing off the ground, she appeared in the "Magical Pretty-Author Office-Type-Thing" in the world of JtHM.  (Jaz got hit in the head with a magical pretty-author sparkly presto-change-o rolling pin given to her by a fuzzy-cute animal.  Don't ask.)  Then, through another nifty contrived plot device, she got a strange disease.  And she got to know Johnny-doll and Squee and Devi and stuff, because magical pretty-authors are just too darn cool like that.  (read: Jaz doesn't feel like going into that.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.)

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"I dun feel good…"  Jaz glowered at her laptop screen, wrapped in multiple layers and clutching a cup of tea.

"Moof," she added intelligently as a certain homicidal maniac kicked in the door to her office.  "Don't break the door.  I like the door.  It has a lock.  Locks are pretty…"

"What… have… you… DONE… to me?"  You-know-who glowered at her.  

"I came down with a nasty case of Badfic-a-writeis," Jaz answered.  "It burns… it burns…"

"You're destroying my character."

"Me?  It's the disease!  Don't hurt me… I like life…"

Johnny stared at Jaz in disgust as she burst into tears.

"I'm out of character.  I eat puppies.  And on top of this all, once I leave this office, random caps locks pop into being.  Do you know how ANNOYING this is?" he asked in an extremely out of character way.

"Go 'way."  And with magical pretty-author powers, Nny turns and walks out the door.

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OUTSIDE:

OOOOOOMG!!!!!111  LIKE, NNY GOES OUTSIDE AND HESEESLIKE THIS CHICK and she's like hi nny and he's like how do you know who i am and she's like oooomfg!!111111!!! YOU're like the coolest and he's like i 'm going to killyou now and she pulls out aknife and says no i'm going to kill you no you arent yes i am no yes my name is jaz whoa, you're hottt!!!!111 let;s have sex yes lets and they went and had HOT SEX LIKE OOOOOOMFG!!!!1111!!!  

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Somewhere, in a Magical Pretty-Author Office-Type-Thing, Jaz sneezed and got another scarf.

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_KILL ME NOW!_ screamed the last vestiges of the Johnny's OOC sanity.

Suddenly, the bad spelling and annoying "!!!11" things disappeared.  

Instead, the scene magically shifted to midnight.  Mary Sue Jaz (MSJ for short) and Johnny are stargazing. 

And now I shall wax poetic about MSJ's many good points.  Her long chestnut hair flowed to her slender, tapering waist.  Her beautiful, finely cut features were striking in the moonlight.  Her large blue eyes were piercing.  She was beautiful, but deadly.  The many knives she had hidden about her person and the waves of death she left behind were silent testimony to that.  So.  Is the audience insanely jealous of MSJ?  Or do they just want to kill her?  I personally want to end the life of the magical pretty-author.  Gee, who does this author think she is, anyway?  Stupid bitch.  Can't even use the brains God gave her to write a fic with a point.  Ah, well, c'est la vie.

Johnny held the beautiful MSJ in his arms and gazed into her beautiful blue eyes, eyes he could drown in.  

Magical pretty-author suddenly felt ill.

"I… I love you, MSJ," Johnny said quietly.

"I love you too," she replied.

Magical pretty-author lurched towards the bathroom, both hands clamped over her mouth.

Johnny kissed MSJ on the lips.  Insert cherubs, flowers, fireworks, romantic music, etc, here, if you will.  I refuse to defile my writing any worse.

And they lived happily ever after – after adopting Squee and killing his parents and they went around randomly killing people and the first person they killed was Devi because she was a bitch and was only using Johnny and blaaaaaa bla bla bla, hear (see?) me type away like a total idiot over a pathetic story with no plot and a blatant Mary Sue because I don't have the brains to come up with an original idea.

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Author's Notes (kinda sorta… moof.)  Gee, it's hard to type like that.  Er.  This was written after utter sickness at the massive amount of Mary Sues that pop into JtHM fanfiction… and people who can't spell… and the caps lock.  Oh God, the caps lock.  May the great Zoamel Gustav strike down the followers of the false god, Caps Lock.  Not to say that all OCs are Mary Sues.  I've seen some that were pulled off quite well in all fandoms, but let's admit it: someone who can kill like Johnny-doll can is a Mary Sue.  

And I'd write more, but I'm too tired to get my braincells to stupid down quite that much, so nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah.


	2. Disclaimer, or, Jaz is an idiot! Yay!

Moof.  It has come to my attention… that I am an idiot.

Numbah one: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and all characters in it are copyrighted to Jhonen Vasquez and Slave Labor.  Used without permission.  I have nothing, don't sue.  Jaz, however, _is_ mine (but… who would want to take her?  XD)  

Second: Mebbe I wasn't clear, but this whole thing is parody.  I'm aware that Jaz is a Mary Sue.  I'm just trying to point out how much I HATE how people write this mindless drivel and are serious about writing it.  (random note of the day:  Spellcheck is trying to get me to change the "are" in the last sentence to "am".  I think I'm right.)  I'm not sure this is even a fic, just a general "Nyeah.  Nyeah.  Nyeah" and rant-ish thing of DOOM.  DOOM, I say.

Third:  mah fans!  XD

Izzy: Danke!  XD  

Noodletwin: yup, totally un-understandable, idnnit?  Yepyop, Jaz is about as Mary Sue-ish as they come.

Piper: Thank _you_ for the kind comment!  XD

Estelien: Yes, there most certainly _are_ far too many of the dratted MS-ish… things…  Dun worry, I know what they are.  I point and mock them most verily.  But, in my personal and slightly skewed opinion, the LotR ones are worse.  Much, much worse.  ::shudder::  "and Legolas instantly fell in love with her b-cuz she was hott."  What brains, what brains.  ::rolls eyes::

Er, yah.  I'm unable to come up with more stupidity because my mental processes run on sleep deprivation.  I'm gonna do mah homework (that I've put off through the entire break… I am so dead).  Moof.


	3. their gonna fal in luv agin cuz i liek r...

Moof!  People liked my randomosity!  X3

s.c.fowlie: Yes, it's weird.  I like weird things.  Thank you for calling it weird.  Weird.  What a weird word.  Erm… ::shuts up::  Oh, and you don't know the fics I dun like.  You don't know the _half_ of 'em.  Just take a look-see through the LotR stuff here… it's not just bad.  It literally burns.  Oh gawd… 

edana: Ah, the good Mary Sue.  I bask in the light of the good Mary Sue.  I like them too.  And now I understand the workings of my spell-check.  Danke, danke!

Insane Kitty: Danke!  X3  

DibStalker: Unfortunately, I have no power to SMITE the fics from the web.  I wish I did.  Life would be fun.  Fun…  X3  Glad you agree, yesh.

Silverflashpup: I aim to please, X3  Glad you enjoyed, yesh.  Oh, and watch the… er, too late.  Uhm… 

Estelien: Heh, yesh.  I can't read LotR fics because they physically HURT!  HURT!  PAIN… ::falls over::

Draconita Riddle: XD thanks!  Disturbing is what I was going for… ph33r it.  

Chibi-Gollum:  (Chibi-Gollum?  Eek, that's scary!  er… ::dork!:: )  Yepyop, disturbing.  It haunts your dreams… BWAHAHA… ::shuts up::

unknown-goddess: I know I misspelled the almighty JV's name… ish spelled "Jhonen Vasquez" and is the bane of my spell-check's existence… 

Lessee.  Oh, dash it all!  I can't find the Mary Sue fic I liked so much on www.schnoogle.com … James, Sirius (::shrieks like a fangirl::), Lupin, and Wossisname… Peter?  Wormtail-guy… er… all fall in love with her.  It's truly a great parody.  Go read.  If you find it, GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE!  ::falls over and twitches::

One last thing:  I did _research_ for this.  I actually willingly went to the LotR section and READ A MARY-SUE.  I now have a bizarre compulsion to rip my eyes out.  All y'all had BETTER appreciate this!

Final one last thing: I've… eheh… never actually read an ep with Devi in it… please dun kill me.  I like life.  She's going to be reeeeally freaking OOC, even in the normal-Devi parts.  I'm bad, I know.  I'm sorry, really!  ::cringes::

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A continuation of Jaz's no brain-ish-ness.

Fear it, for it is no brain-ish.

No brain-ish, I tell you!

As no brain-ish as… something very no brain-ish.

Moof.

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i+ w4s @ l0v3ly d4y.  j4z and |\||\|y w3r3 sn0gg1ng.  b-c|_|z t3hy w3r3 in lu\/.  T3hy h4d h0tt sexx.  

MSJ burst into the Magical Pretty-Author Office-Type-Thing and hit Jaz over the head with a chair.

"NO MORE L33t!"

Then she ran out again.

It was a lovely day.  MSJ and Nny were snogging.  B-cuz tehy wer in luv.  tehy had hott sexx.  omg, i wanna sleep wiht nny, omg!  wach as i egnoor my spellchek cuz itz inc… incon… inconveninti to spell tings rite.  Duuuh.  den devi shown up.  stoopid btich.  I HATE HER OMG SHE IS A BITCH SHE KICKED NNY OMG I WANT TO KILLHER SAID MSJ CUZ MSJ IS TEH ONNY GIRL FORF NNY B-CUZ SHE IS HOTT OMG STOOPID BITCH SO NNY SAID NOI'M GOING TO KILLHER B-CUZ SEH IS A STOOPIBITCH I HATE HER WURSE SO HE STABED HER AND STABED HER AND TEHY LAFFED AT HER B-CUZ SEH WUZ STOPID.

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Devi burst into the Magical Pretty-Author Office-Type-Thing.  "You killed me.  Sweet angry jeezus, you killed me."  

Jaz cringed from her spot under the table.  "Sorry, it's the disease.  And the concussion.  The stupid thing I created doesn't like me, see, and…"

"You.  Created.  It."

And MSJ kicked the door in.  The door had lived its happy door-ish life opening into the office without being kicked, being a sensitive kind of soul, and responded to its mistreatment by flying off the hinges and bashing Jaz in the face.

"Ow," she said intelligently and fell over.  Again.

"How _dare_ you!" MSJ sobbed.  Devi suddenly realized she couldn't be angry with MSJ, no.  Because MSJ was so pretty and perfect that it would be impossible to get mad.  Everyone loves MSJ.  So Devi hugged MSJ and let MSJ cry on her shoulder.  After all, MSJ was perfect.

MSJ, who cried without her eyes getting swollen and her nose its normal color, turned on her creator.

"Oh mah Gawd," Jaz muttered.  "I've created a monster."

"I can't even _cry_ like a normal person," MSJ lamented.  Notice I said "lamented" instead of "bitched and whined".  "Lamented" is so much more nice.  "Instead, I cry all pretty and perfect.  And my hair!  It's not messy!"

"That's okay," said Devi helpfully.  "It's so nice that you want to be more normal so as not to make us commoners be all jealous and stuff.

"I hate you!" wailed MSJ.  After all, Jaz is a horrible person.  Everyone wants to kill Jaz.  Bad, bad Jaz.  No cookie!  Bad Jaz!

"Go away," answered Jaz.  Jaz's ugliness is particularly marked beside MSJ's lovely vision of loveliness.  After all, Jaz is probably trying to make up for her hatred of herself in RL by making MSJ and inflicting it on the masses.  Bwahahahahaha, I'm a freaking evil genius.  

And both Devi and MSJ walked out the door.  Fear the Magical Pretty-Author powers.

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NOW WACH AZ I IGNOOR N-E KINT OF PLOTT CUZ I WNA HAVE DEVI DYE AGAIN, STOPID BITCH I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I AHTER AWEOI AJWPE;OFIJ AWPE;OFI JIII

they'regoja fall in luv again bcuz i liek i.t

nny was amazd at MSJ's beauttie and they kissed and kissed and had hott sexx wich i'd hav todescribe to be trulely aweful butt i am SO not going to do that.  I mean, seriously.  How can you take yourself seriously as a human being if you have a fairly interesting character boinking a Mary Sue?  Oh the pain the horror the AGONY!  AAAAGONY!  It burns, it BURNS!

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Review, please?

I will give you a cookie…

Moof.

(Cashew the Stampeedo… bwaaaah, fear mah Trigun obsession! X3) 


End file.
